note:

in the long run, we're all dead. CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

laptop currently in its death throes of 'xxx has stopped working' and 'xxx is restarting' and 'windows is finding a solution to xxx'.

fucking windows.

Seems like it's going to die anytime soon, that's not good--I've only been using this baby for one and half years tops. But granted, I've been dropping it, bouncing it off walls, and spilling soup all over the keyboard. It's probably a wonder it didn't give up its ghost EARLIER.

does god really want us to

: strive for self betterment (and suffer because we have unfulfilled wants)

or

: be happy with what we have and go against all progressive human thought (and be 'passive' and complacent?)

i don't think there's a happy medium in this. all striving involves a degree of stress and there's always a motivation to do that something, which stems from a need unfulfilled.

hmm (i really don't understand why there are TRUE TRUE extroverts and introverts)

i mean, i see ED people who are true extroverts and even if they're deep in their isolation slumps, they can be friggin extroverted. And there's the true introverts, ie me. Isolated me is EVEN MORE of a recluse--no wait, I was a freaking statue, bloodydammit.

I kind of envy extroverts because they're more gregarious and loud. I can be, but not all the time. Not most of the time even. Agh.

sigh. takes all kinds. I LOVE MATHIEU BOOGAERTS! hehe. random.

So I was dreaming, something I hadn't done in half a year--sorely missed that.

Was running in a carpark, massive cavernous structure made of concrete, light and air. Pale green sections alternating with white washed walls, sort of weathered, you can even smell the mild afternoon sun heating up the exposed surfaces. There weren't any cars nor carpark lines, but I got the sense it was a carpark ok.

That wasn't the whole of it, no, what kind of crap dream would that be?

My classes were on the 6th floor, and there were no elevators. The stairs were angled in such a way that required ascending 12 flights of them in every direction possible before the glass doors swam into sight.

I was old, and young; timeless. I could do things in sequence, or sit very still. Time was putty. I had control, I was eternal. Oh yes I was taking french lessons.

Haha. We were supposed to go in and audition for our french before we could attend class so we, about 20 of us (r/l friends and strangers) formed a line outside the glass doors to take our turns. My secondary school principal happened to be the teacher/audition person. Ms kon *** ***. And the funny thing is, the class was full up after three people. We have all we need, they said to the rest of us.

Ok. Bye everyone.

Saw an equestrian event happening.... in what looks like a quarry. Rising up in solid waves were beautiful formations from plate tectonics bounding the edges of the arena. Colorful strata of shale, marble, limestone and pinkish quartz all along the rockface morphing imperceptibly--was there a heatwave then? I think I walked closer, my shoes (sandals?) crunching in the parched and loose dirt. Close enough to smell more sun scorched rock and desert wind. One horse and rider team kept jumping over this small safety barrier thing towards me. And they were disqualified from their competition. Feels like Tatooine. But less technologically advanced, like in the 80s.

life isn't good right now. if only there's something bigger than this anxiety of mine. it's vast like a galaxy full of black holes. waiting to suck me in. they're all around, and they ARE sucking me in.

it sounds trite and trivial. but it's not. it's taking over my life. everything I do IS influenced by my state of anxiety. it harangues, it pesters, it slides its tentacles of fog and death down my trachea and wrings my lungs out.

i can't breathe. it's all i can do to sit here and shake and cry. this is ridiculous. i am rational, i know it's not as bad as i make it out to be. but explain this non-activity, explain this leaden weight that anchors me to this chair.

it's all in your head, it's all in your mind, mind over matter. that's true. they are ALL true, but anxiety is more true right now.

i hear her scream at me. every word a scathing critique sharpened into hair-fine edges. from 5pm to 7 am i hear that, then she goes to work. ah work. that's another can of worms altogether.

wednesday. i wait for the doctor. i wait for her pills. i wait for things to happen to me.

this passivity. disgusting. this is why i keep falling back in. need to get away from her.

wakka wakka whoohoo!

deadmau5 is tomorrow night and i'm so going to zouk (ehehehe about the last post and not going out). but nothing gets between me and my music.

deadmau5 sample

omg that track is some serious body pwning business. hope he plays it.

emphasis on the MUSIC and not the going out and people-ing bit.

yes.

music.

but in the meantime, back to squarepusher. I SWEAR HIS BASSLINES ARE BRILLIANT.


AND I WANT A FUCKING THEREMIN THEREMIN THEREMIN THEREMIN THEREMIN yes i really do. got acquainted with that little wonder through... of all things, a bill bailey session. hilarious and full of shiny talent--he plays the keys, guitars, bongos and theremin ALL THE WHILE being funny-ish... (i'm still an eddie izzard fan so yeah. that is my brand of humor), and that is fucking brilliant too.

i want a theremin. gonna learn how to make one, or buy one. GET ONE dammit.

I have discovered lately that I have avoided almost all human interaction through all my life because I have not been interested on the subjects people talk in general which are superficial and materialistic things. At the contrary I am a deep thinker and a spiritual person and I find very difficult to talk to people that are not very similar to me, which is perhaps 99% of people. So for almost my entire life I have avoided human interaction instead of finding interaction with people similar to me.As part of my recovery process I have understood that avoiding social interaction was a very important aspect of my social phobia. When I understood my behavior pattern of avoidance I began to recover from social phobia by building a network of people with very similar interest and personality with me.Now I don’t avoid all people I just concentrate my social interaction on people that are similar to me (on interest and personality) and I have been working on increasing that network. This is a network of more than 10 people with whom I interact often with no social phobia. So instead of avoiding all social situations (as I have done almost all my life) I concentrate myself on having a lot of social interaction with the network of people I have been building. This has been one of the best steps on my recovery journey from severe social phobia.

Taken from http://socialphobiarecovery.org/2007/10/social-phobia-with-all-people


have had the same notion about disliking superficial and preferring the deep, but lest this comes across as pretentious, i'll need to clarify this: i'm not one to go on and on about abstract theories or attempt to freud-ize right and left. but i do prefer talking about the mind and the 'inside' as opposed to social stuff. and outside extraverted social happy scene what have yous. and for that reason, i'm not a social butterfly. i don't do clubs, i don''t do parties (often). i don't GO OUT--as they say, period. I AM A RECLUSE.

but yeah, it does get awfully lonely. should follow that guy's plan of action. stop forcing myself into a square hole and start gathering people i know who i can click with around me. like kat, des, ger, lyn, meng, even school friends--shiks and f--even tho i broke off contact with these two wonderful people. PEOPLE I DON'T feel stressed around. ok. that much i ask.no stress with people. people who don't trigger the OMGOMGOMGOMG STRESS FUCK STRESS OMG GONNA BURST STRESS.

squarepusher makes me happier

Hello Meow



Beep Street



yum!

i'm a fucking mess ok. AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHO KNOWS AND WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. i'm so sick of being nice and SHIT just because i want to be liked and just because i need to perform or keep things going fine and dandy. I AM SELFISH SO THERE. FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. i don't care. i'm out of things for a while because i need time to be on my own.

ya whatever. this is me. it's not the best i can be but this is it RIGHT NOW.

and i'm sick of being crushed everytime i think someone dislikes me.

need to get over this asap. bring on the sleep and the meds and the booze.

ugh. i know i can do better than this. the moods are just fucked up. wake and it's all--OH GOD WHY THE FUCKING FUCK am i awake. home environment doesn't help either. EVERYTHING that comes out her freaking mouth is critical. nothing positive. nothing encouraging. I HATE IT. why is it so hard for her to say something........ that doesn't put others down? what i really need is someone to say that i believe in you, this will pass. i'm here for you.

kind of given up hoping she'll come around. i'll just have to look for it elsewhere, and try not to be taken advantaged of--or at least roll with the punches when they come.

the weird thing is that my friends ... they are positive and want to be supportive. can't believe them tho--i know not why. it's like, why... what is this being that is i, to be worthy of all these goodwill?

hoo. just needed to vent. sigh. it's not that i'm violent, just that i don't talk about all these things that bother me, out of niceness or fear or whatnot, and then i explode. welcome to my explosion.



i know i shouldn't focus on the negatives--but when she says paying for my treatment is a waste of money, there's no getting better and she just says that assuming i'll be shit forever, it hurts because i feel hopelessly damned, and i have been trying to be positive and living as if i'm ALL HALE AND WELL. it's crushing because her opinion just happens to matter a whole lot to me. i wish it didn't i wish it didn't. i try and wish no one's opinion matters but--not yet it seems.

bat a lash, lose it and it flutters by
if i need you tonight
will my angel go get you?