i went to school despite feeling like a zombie. cabbed actually. made it just in time for the progress interview. promptly fled home afterwards even though there is a lecture two hours later.

This is fucking ridiculous. Damn tired. Zombie like. What to do?
Spoke to madam k. she's really nice. Too nice sometimes I think. So I was like, explaining all my shit to her and she was taking it all in. just like that.

Promised I will meet Shirley for the doctor’s appointment later. At 5 or something. But she’ll be going early.

I want to get that outfit from marine parade central. The black one. I think it will be teh hot. Yey, for Friday. That will be great.

I miss ced, even only after one day. I want him to want me forever. But I don’t want that at the same time cos I will definitely not appreciate him if he does.

And boy do I need a new computer. This one is practically falling apart from within. The usb ports don’t work, the thing looks battered and well loved. More like well tortured lol. And its slow as fuck because I haven’t reformatted it in eeeeons. Will be getting one soon.

tell me that i'm not a bad person. please.

there is no bad or good but thinking it makes it so. i need to think i'm ok so that i can BE ok. and its hard to think i'm ok when i keep hearing things (ie. from mom) that i'm NOT ok.

i know i'm ok. i know cedkitty says i'm more than ok. everyone i meet says i'm ok. i can do it. however it's just strange how one comment, from someone that matters to me, can flip my world topsy turvy.

madam k at school, my lovely lecturer, said it would be a good idea to stick with non-food related studies after poly. being increasingly around food might trigger the whole ed shenenigans. she will be calling my doc to see how she can work with me so that i can manage school. how sweet is that! that is waaay beyond her call of duty.

will be seeing the doc tomorrow to report on the effects of epilim. its not gonna be my regular doctor because she's away for some course. i don't like seeing replacement doctors. sure they try to help but really, all they know about the patient is what they read from case notes. and that hardly paints anything that can be worked with, at least not in the space of 20 minutes. o well, i guess i'll have to see what can be done about the ZOMBIE side effect i've been getting.

met this girl at borders marine parade a couple days ago. passed her my phone number along with a note about eating disorders/anorexia and walked quickly off because i was shy ie. in antisocial mode. if i remember correctly, she's called Magdelene. she texted me but i deleted her message, and thus her number by accident. ah well.

hope she googles her name lol. HOPE I REMEMBERED HER NAME RIGHT LOL

good god.
i whine again. here, now.

feel like a fucking zombie. don't know why. freaking out at school just returning the log book to group mates. i feel like a fucking freak. who takes 4 hours worrying and worrying sitting at the bus stop sitting at the library worrying and worrying instead of fucking returning the fucking book.

jeesus.

then i slink home. to starbucks. doing my project thingy that i have little faith in completing.

yeah sure I JUST NEED THE CONFIDENCE. I CAN DO IT.

i know.

i feel hopeless though.

could it be my terrible coping method of b/ping?

a slew of shit i have.

Apparently, even modest manic symptoms during bipolar depressive episodes were associated with greater impulsivity, and with histories of alcohol abuse and suicide attempts. Manic symptoms during depressive episodes suggest the presence of a potentially dangerous combination of depression and impulsivity.

http://www.psychiatryupdate.com.au/article/suicidal-behaviour-in-bipolar-disorder-linked-to-impulsivity/453517.aspx


but then again i could be living into the diagnosis haha.

but there's a SOLUTION. DBT--Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. which basically enables me to tahan better. sit with the shit. shit will not kill me. it's gonna pass. and things like that.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html

yep!!!

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it's not a good idea to hang around the ill. NOT A GOOD IDEA. when you wanna be well and normal. HANG WIT THE NORMAL FOLKS. HANG WITH THE NORMAL PEOPLE DOING NORMAL THINGS FEELING NORMAL.

because i am normal i should gravitate towards normal people. yes i am.

and only when i'm firmly rooted in normality will i then venture out into weirdness.

so fucking impulsive its not funny. dreamt last night that i had a automobile accident while going to jurong e. and this morning, on the taxi ride towards JE, the taxi was careening like fuck, weaving in and out of lanes and cursing the traffic, even when i told him he could drive slower because i was in no hurry.

its amazing how this can be so coincidental. i mean, what are the chances that a crazy driving driver will end up in an auto accident? not high, i concur, but when i've dreamt the very thing that i could very well see happening, it's freaky.

however i'm supposed to meet someone for something and i didn't. so. that's fucked.

so i directed the driver to stop at parkway instead. where i stayed. DOING SCHOOLWORK. at least im doing schoolwork.

zingzingzing

off soon

woke up with papers fluttering and squashed about me. as usual.

moop.

mii
mew.

finished a bit of work today. i am proud of myself, hurray!

typing herbal shit now. I'll need to ask allllll my lecturers about my work. cos im sort of really behind. but at least im fucking TYPING instead of worrying my nails to the quick over wads and wads of photocopied research notes.

still up at 4.30am now. i'll need to be up by... 7am lol cos i'm going to this talk thinga which starts at 9am. and ends at 10pm ish.

wheee. i forsee much FUNNEH in sleepy SLEEPLESSNESS.. and hyper-wiredness.

but i can't stop can't stop now i'm on a roll; i just need to stop procrastinating and instead, fucking concentrate and type.

ok stop making fucking drama. food is not the enemy. even when you binge and purge you will still have absorbed nutrients. that's why you're still fucking alive.

eat something and get on with work.

um.

I WANT CAKE.

very overwhelmed. need blinkers, the kind that horses wear to stop them seeing shit that scares them. can start now. with what i have. what i can. ok. ok. ok.

um. so i purged. before and after taking the enteric coated epilim tablet.

ok. technicalities: enteric coating works in order to protect the tablet from disintegrating in acidic stomach conditions, until it reaches the intestines, where the environment isn't so acidic, where it can finally be assimilated. the coating only dissolves in higher ph conditions, while maintaining its integrity in low ph ie. stomach acids.

so the tab would have been sitting in low acid conditions. and might have dissolved in the stomach. and after the second purge. it might have flown.

SHOULD I TAKE ANOTHER. jeeezus.

ok i did.

mood: zombie-like. apathy.

BUT time flies by. i sit in a corner for what seems like a flitting second and an hour has passed. and then some.


Taken from wiki and other sources:

Epilim (what i'm taking) is a brand name for sodium valproate.
There is also another drug called semisodium valproate.

They have similar chemical and pharmacological properties. However, semisodium valproate is apparently only licensed for the treatment of mania while sodium valproate is apparently only licensed for the treatment of epilepsy.

In the UK semisodium valproate has been sold for a few years as the proprietary drug Depakote and marketed for psychiatric conditions only. It is about five times the price of sodium valproate, which has been marketed for around 30 years as Epilim by the same company for epilepsy and is also available from other manufacturers as a generic product.

BUT. really the same la. read this for kicks lol --> http://pb.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/full/27/12/446