i'm a fucking mess ok. AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHO KNOWS AND WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. i'm so sick of being nice and SHIT just because i want to be liked and just because i need to perform or keep things going fine and dandy. I AM SELFISH SO THERE. FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. i don't care. i'm out of things for a while because i need time to be on my own.

ya whatever. this is me. it's not the best i can be but this is it RIGHT NOW.

and i'm sick of being crushed everytime i think someone dislikes me.

need to get over this asap. bring on the sleep and the meds and the booze.

ugh. i know i can do better than this. the moods are just fucked up. wake and it's all--OH GOD WHY THE FUCKING FUCK am i awake. home environment doesn't help either. EVERYTHING that comes out her freaking mouth is critical. nothing positive. nothing encouraging. I HATE IT. why is it so hard for her to say something........ that doesn't put others down? what i really need is someone to say that i believe in you, this will pass. i'm here for you.

kind of given up hoping she'll come around. i'll just have to look for it elsewhere, and try not to be taken advantaged of--or at least roll with the punches when they come.

the weird thing is that my friends ... they are positive and want to be supportive. can't believe them tho--i know not why. it's like, why... what is this being that is i, to be worthy of all these goodwill?

hoo. just needed to vent. sigh. it's not that i'm violent, just that i don't talk about all these things that bother me, out of niceness or fear or whatnot, and then i explode. welcome to my explosion.



i know i shouldn't focus on the negatives--but when she says paying for my treatment is a waste of money, there's no getting better and she just says that assuming i'll be shit forever, it hurts because i feel hopelessly damned, and i have been trying to be positive and living as if i'm ALL HALE AND WELL. it's crushing because her opinion just happens to matter a whole lot to me. i wish it didn't i wish it didn't. i try and wish no one's opinion matters but--not yet it seems.

bat a lash, lose it and it flutters by
if i need you tonight
will my angel go get you?