life isn't good right now. if only there's something bigger than this anxiety of mine. it's vast like a galaxy full of black holes. waiting to suck me in. they're all around, and they ARE sucking me in.

it sounds trite and trivial. but it's not. it's taking over my life. everything I do IS influenced by my state of anxiety. it harangues, it pesters, it slides its tentacles of fog and death down my trachea and wrings my lungs out.

i can't breathe. it's all i can do to sit here and shake and cry. this is ridiculous. i am rational, i know it's not as bad as i make it out to be. but explain this non-activity, explain this leaden weight that anchors me to this chair.

it's all in your head, it's all in your mind, mind over matter. that's true. they are ALL true, but anxiety is more true right now.

i hear her scream at me. every word a scathing critique sharpened into hair-fine edges. from 5pm to 7 am i hear that, then she goes to work. ah work. that's another can of worms altogether.

wednesday. i wait for the doctor. i wait for her pills. i wait for things to happen to me.

this passivity. disgusting. this is why i keep falling back in. need to get away from her.